How to be a special kid’s hero
I remember sitting in my final exam two years ago and getting up to leave. My teacher had shock registered all over her face. “You’re done?”
“Yes Ma’am, I’m done.” And I was so done! I couldn’t continue writing another word, I knew I was about to break down and I didn’t want it happening in front of 50 students.
I was done with it all. I was done caring for a degree I knew nothing about, I was done with the society that had no place for me and I was done being a mother because I refused to be a disappointment in all these areas. It’s been two years and I have come a long way. From staying up countless nights with 7-8 coke bottles littered around me, with chocolate chip cookies on my table, with 4-5 coffee mugs a day to sleeping 3 hours a day and cherishing it, to giving up junk for a healthy diet. From crying every time somebody gave my son that “Oh my God” look to a mother who stares back at them and puts them to shame. From defending every little embarrassing thing my son did and apologising over and over to people, to letting him be himself and enjoy the way he is. From breaking down when my son had a meltdown to letting myself be human and accepting that I too am allowed weak moments.
From thinking my son might be the next Einstein every time he did something exceptional for his age, to just wishing and praying that he learns to at least live independently. You do not know how severe that fall is for a mother to come from those high expectations for your kid to just praying that he learns that roads are dangerous and he shouldn’t run away from school. The only way I could accept that was by acknowledging the fact that he’s human and he’s different. He might not be the right kind of different for everyone but for me he’s the perfect kind.
This year I’d not whine about how tough it has been raising him by being a one man army, but I’d just like to thank my 4.5 year old for teaching me things I couldn’t learn from any life experience or anybody else in my life. Thank you my baby for teaching me the importance of being myself, loving myself the way I am because people will always be unhappy anyway, for showing me that you can be loved no matter how different you are, you’ll find the right people someday, for teaching me patience by handling yourself so well that I felt ashamed that I cry and worry over petty things when every second of your life is a struggle yet you are happy and composed and you don’t lose it no matter what. But most of all thank you for existing, for giving me love because you don’t know how beautiful it is when a kid who never understood emotions comes and hugs you on his own. That is probably the only thing I live for now: your love! There’s nothing more pure or beautiful or original than that.
Maybe it was about time I stopped trying to be the person everybody wanted and just be the person my son sees in me because that person sounds like somebody special, that person sounds like his hero and that’s all I want to be now. How special it is to be a special kid’s hero.
By Isbah Khalid